Choose Life - Evangelion, the Guardian Angel and a Semicolon

 

CW: self harm, mental health, food control issues

Spoiler Warning: Trigun (it’s honestly too old to need a spoiler warning…)

When I was in High School, I fell in love with the movie Trainspotting. I did a project in Senior Year Psych class which I illustrated mostly with shots from the film. I've seen it countless times, and just last week I screened it for a friend who'd never seen it before. I considered at the time how I should have waited until today. 

Since 2007, I've called April 18th “Choose Life” day. It started with a friend's suggestion to throw a party to commemorate the anniversary of the previous April 18th. Since then, I've stopped doing much social to celebrate, but over the years I've done a ton of things on April 18ths. While this is the 18th anniversary of my first significant April 18th, it's the 14th anniversary of the April 18th on which I completed my Abramelin retreat. For a while, I was racking up cool April 18th occurrences and it was nice that it was my significant day for life events. 

April 18th is of course, using American date writing, 4/18. 418 is a significant Thelemic number and one you'll see in the URL for my blog and webpage…which is branded much more Thelemically than I have ever actually been. 

My first significant 4/18 that I can easily recall was 2006; I had concluded a week I spent attempting to starve myself to death. 

The confluence of things which led me to “Choose Life” was bizarre, but kind of interesting. I was going through a particularly destructive major depressive episode. At this time I was in a fairly intense Straight Edger mode when it came to intoxicants, pills, even medication. I also felt like actively choosing to do anything to myself was immoral. But I remembered a Roman aristocrat who determined the noble response to an unjust emperor on the throne was to starve himself to death. That way he wasn’t killing himself, so he reasoned, but his death would deprive the emperor of his complicity or assistance. 

So, I stopped eating. I was working my first full time job. I figured I had to keep up appearances, so I bought a small container of orange juice at the start of each work day and drank that. Otherwise I might have had a little water here and there and that was it. 

I told one friend, thinking he was unlikely to do anything to stop me. He, in turn, told another friend who threatened to contact my family but backed off when I lied and said I would eat. I was fairly delusional, and the fact that the one friend I told didn’t seem to care, despite being my best friend at the time, convinced me my course of action was right. Sometime later, I looked back at our online conversations and realized he was consistently showing he cared and I was just being horrible to him because my interpretation of things was completely off. 

You might wonder how this fits my blog which usually deals with magic or related and adjacent spiritual topics. There are a handful of good reasons for me to talk about this, but the topical ones have to do with the process by which I chose life. 

There was a confluence of solarity, Evangelion, and Trigun which triggered a weird Holy Guardian Angel experience. It had been awhile at this point since I had written my Dominus Liminis paper, and completed those grade tasks but I hadn’t moved on to working on 5=6. This led to the slow build in that direction. 

The solarity part. For 6 days, 6 being the number of the sun, all I consumed was orange juice. Oranges, and orange juice were big solar symbols for me. At the time I routinely made libations of orange juice for Apollo and would consecrate orange juice to him to drink for solar blessings and connection. I wasn’t doing that that week, but the solar nature was there even if I wasn’t ritually awakening it. The view I often expressed at the time was “orange juice is just bottled sunlight.” 

So, despite my inner darkness, in the “you are what you eat” sense, I was clearing myself out and vibing the sun in an extreme, although unhealthy, way. 

As I was spiraling into a more and more broken mental state and gluing myself together enough to look functional with liquid sunlight, I was watching Evangelion and Trigun for the first time. They were airing back to back on Cartoon Network late at night and I'd been watching them for a few weeks. 

For those unfamiliar, Evangelion incorporates a lot of Western Occult imagery. The creator of the show was very hands on with specific odd word choices for the English translations because he wanted particular things conveyed. He has said several times that the occult imagery is just aesthetic and not something that had meaning or to which he had a connection. 

In later variants of the story, that description is true. The occult symbolism is toned down and seems decorative. In the original, it is saturating the show and is often subtle. The entire structure of the conflict ties back to it and in the feature length video content made as an alternate ending there are more obscure occult references and kind of a sexual alchemy theme. It’s pretty obvious it’s planned out and intentional in the original. Even if it weren’t, it was so saturated that it had an effect watching it, especially in the state I was in. 

A friend reached out recently and talked about having watched Evangelion and realizing it’s about processes of psychological healing and dealing with internal problems. The creator of the series has also said that he made it for that purpose; it was a form of processing his own mental health and emotional issues and finding catharsis. 

So the show is a little loaded. The final episodes are these intensely abstract and wonderful pieces of television…that lots of people miss the beauty of and hate. 

They were definitely the kind of avant garde mind fuck capable of helping to push my breaking brain over a tipping point into a mystical state. 

 

A clip from towards the end of the Evangelion series. 

 

 

One of my favorite clips from late in the Evangelion series 

At the same time that I was watching Shinji liberate himself from the trauma of being human and abstractly exploring the possibility of formless unity with all life, or defined individual existence allowing connection through the apparently un-unified state of individuation, I was also watching Trigun. 

Trigun is a space western. As I was watching it, the friend that pointed me to it told me I would identify with one character who he saw as having a lot in common with me. That character was Nicholas D. Wolfwood, a gun slinging preacher who seemed callus and like a conman, but who was actually good at heart and motivated by caring for orphans. Around the time Shinji was experiencing a complete abstractification of reality in Evangelion, I reached the end of Nicholas D. Wolfwood’s story in Trigun. 

As Wolfwood’s arc wraps up, we discover he was secretly part of the group of bad guys who had been revealed part way through the series. While Wolfwood was working for them because he had been raised in an orphanage run by one of the bad guys, he earnestly was working to protect the orphans and the orphanage and did not want to betray the other heroes. In the end, he sacrifices himself to save the children and his friends. As he bleeds out, he leans on the giant cross he always carried (which was full of guns, and was, itself, a large gun). The shot pulls out and shows his shadow in the light streaming in through the windows of the church in which he was dying. As Wolfwood questions himself and his life and his relationship with his friends, he dies, with his shadow forming an image of the crucifixion. 

The commentary Wolfwood makes about human suffering, saving others, and the possibility of finding ways to do better and be better are all strong and poignant. They also added to the overall head spinning experience of it all. 

Starving yourself and watching cartoons probably doesn't seem like a magical method. But, there is no reason it shouldn't. Fasting, denying oneself, creating extreme physical states through sleep deprivation, pain, drugs, exertion, these are all ways altered states of consciousness are obtained in various systems. Surrounding ourselves in imagery and stories which bring us into the space of the spirits, virtues, and ideals of those stories are also important methods. 

While I am not a fan of bringing the characters, words, methods, and trappings of fiction into magical work - excepting in a few very special cases - I have always thought finding good fiction that gets the engine running and inspires us towards the energy and excitement of magic is important. Similarly, using modern stories that can put us in certain mental spaces, or which trigger symbols and processes for us which lead us to contact with deeper elements of existence, including spiritual beings and realities, is an historical mode of spiritual work. Confining it to old stories is a sort of ahistorical fetishism. There has always been a fetishism of the old in magic and spirituality, even in the ancient world, but that didn't mean new stories that put people in touch with old things weren't used. 

I was certainly not intentionally doing any of that back in April 2006. I wasn't intentionally doing much of anything then and had no future plans to. I was coasting toward oblivion, but, that coasting was also part of what put me in the middle of all of these influences that hit together like the birth of a whirlwind. 

Suddenly, I felt the touch of my Angel deeply and strongly. Prior to this, I often did other work to connect with my Angel. I understood, and had understood for several years at that point, that the relationship with your Angel isn't limited to working Abramelin. It should be there from the beginning when working magical systems connected to that modality. Even if it's in the background, and just part of the currents of force you're touching, you should be aware of that whether you directly perceive it or not. As you progress, the potential for that perception, and for more direct and intentional interaction occurs. That eventually helps lead to the process of achieving Knowledge and Conversation. 

So, interaction with my Angel wasn't new, but the kind of flooding overwhelming perception of it was something I had only felt once before, which until that point I had not realized was communication with the Angel. This was the first time I felt my Angel directly teaching me in a fundamentally moving and transformative way, and a way which was still only a fraction of the experience at the end of the retreat. I had clear communication before, but this was like being pulled into a room and being given a class which was taught in part by emotional resonance and deep internal feelings of direction, connection and purpose. 

Being me, I processed what I was taught by writing an essay. When I was done, I was confused. I remember turning over and over in my head the thought “I guess I just die now? That seems like a waste now that I understand this, it also seems like it flies in the face of this, but it's what I'm set on doing, so what do I do?” I'm not good at change, so I guess I couldn't just accept changing my plans despite having a divine messenger explain the spiritual mechanics of mystical experience and connectivity to me. 

I started flipping coins. Dozens of coin tosses all consistently coming up with “don't eat, just die.” The level of consistency was eerie. It was also even more unnerving because I felt like maybe I was opening up to giving up the plan, and wanting to accept the new view of the world, but it felt like I was being told in no uncertain terms not to change, not to choose life. It was frightening to feel like I was divining repeatedly with unusual consistency and existence itself was telling me “nope, don't exist.” 

Then, I heard a cash register. It was the notification sound for when my friend, the only one who knew what was going on, would sign on. Suddenly, all the coin tosses and whatever other methods I started trying were giving consistently positive answers. I decided I'd leave it up to my friend. He was an engineering grad student who frequently chose to isolate and work on projects - whether for school or fun - rather than see people. It felt like there was a fair chance he'd say no. He didn't. In fact, he cried later that night because he was relieved. 

So, one reason for talking about this is the above discussion about how stories, and unlikely symbols and sources can help lead us places. There's also some utility in thinking about how when we push our bodies it can open us to stuff…but even with that being true, we should do it in responsible and well guided ways. My above story is not such an example. There is also an element of pointing out how you should probably watch Evangelion if you haven't, and less for mystical purposes and more for fun, maybe also Trigun. 

There are more important topics to consider though. One of them is the relationship between inner struggles and spiritual experience. 

Our society has a really stupid insistence that we should be able to see certain forms of success if people's spirituality or religion or magic are worthwhile. Ironically, people want to judge spiritual engagement based on whether or not folks have won the prosperity gospel contest…even though those same judges typically hate prosperity gospel folks. 

There is something to looking at a religion or spiritual teaching and determining that its message is wrong for you and how you want to live your life. There might also be something to looking at leaders in a group and seeing that they embody being people who are devoid of the message they preach, or they are devoid of the virtues you'd want. A leader or teacher doesn't have to be perfect, but the struggle should be between what you'd ideally hope to get from what they do, and the normal issues of life. If they're just a bad person…maybe something is up. 

Other factors don't work as well. Material factors, having their life together in the way other people decide is important, or having perfect mental health, or having processed all trauma…these are things I've seen people say are necessary. They're also things that just aren't realistic for a lot of reasons in many scenarios. 

Beyond that, they're not the characteristics which any historical prophets, faith leaders, or magicians epitomize. 

There is an importance in recognizing it's OK to not have everything together. It's also important that our molds and models of success have to be our own and they have to be built on who we are. What do we want? What interests us? Where do we want to put our attention? What are our skills? What are our capabilities, strengths and weaknesses? We have to look at who we are, who we want to be, and how the various elements of our lives are intended to shape us and serve those goals and desires and build a self image and a model of success for ourselves based on ourselves. That does include looking at what is safe and functioning, but that still leaves a pretty huge range and acceptable gradations. 

Someone contacted me once because they were unsure they could pursue magic due to mental health issues. It's important to consider this. There are some issues which can be really dangerous to mix with magic, but maybe not impossible if guidance in magic, and treatment for the issue are both present. There are others where it's fully possible to engage magic with similar risks that anyone who engages it faces. Then there are those that could be exacerbated by certain types of magic or mysticism and so it's a matter of informed planning, self awareness and support networks. 

Being open about and talking about those factors and considerations is important too, especially in a world where people might feel a calling but have been told, led to believe, or have just convinced themselves they have to sit on the sidelines and miss out because they have struggles. Being open can let people know that saying “fuck it” and diving in might not be the best answer for them, but it might also let them know that a strategized approach can be open for them. 

Another reason to talk about this story vis a vis the relationship between magic and mental health is considering how despite emotional darkness, we can still find spiritual light and development. Sometimes everything seems bleak. Sometimes we can't see hope, we can't see options. Sometimes we spiral out so much that we can't see ourselves or the reality of the hands reaching out to help us. 

Magic is not always, and usually won't be a solution for that. I'm mostly not in favor of magic as an alternative to actual mental health care. I don't care whether people are talking about shadow work, or doing spells to heal and fix their emotions, those things can be questionable approaches, with the right context and support they could be positive means of assisting with care and progressing through struggles, they can also be very dangerous when taken as alternatives in lieu of other needed care. 

That doesn't mean magic isn't there and won't provide help in times where we struggle. Working with the Olympic Spirits can do a lot to harmonize things and pull things together and create positive currents in our lives when we are suffering through difficulties. Turning to one's ancestors can be deeply comforting and cathartic. A spirit once expressed to me through one of her priests that I could come unburden to her when it wasn't appropriate to go to a person, and I've had times where I was able to really unload and heal while standing at the edge of the water talking with Her. There are ways magic can be there for us and help us even if it shouldn't be what we turn to as a cure or a band aid. 

There are also ways the depths of our spirit, our gods, our spirits, and our guides can spontaneously reach in deeply and inspire us even when we seem lost in darkness. Sometimes we just need to have the tools to listen and be aware that that influence is real and has value. It isn't necessarily what we should be looking for or waiting for. If it doesn't happen we shouldn't question why it isn't happening. But knowing people experience that and it isn't just a trick or own voice can be helpful. 

It might also be helpful for people to realize that sometimes we need to step back. A concept that comes up in studying the history of mystics is the tendency to experience intense spiritual states intermixed with intense depression. For one, it may be good for people to know that depression and similar issues aren't a sign they are failing as a mystic or spiritual person. It's helpful to know this is a common theme in history. More importantly, it can be helpful to recognize that part of that dichotomy is often understood as a response to the inspiration and joy of mystical awareness. When one sees the connectivity of the world, and the possibilities for goodness, it can be incredibly painful to see them not realized in the world. It can feel even worse when that mystical state drives a deeper sense of compassion for the human collective as they suffer through the effects of less enlightened world. There can also be a sense of loss, or a sense of being cut off when one returns to mundane experience and the drudgery of life after being deeply in the throws of heavenly awareness. 

It's important to remember that those pitfalls exist and have plagued deeply mystical and deeply spiritual people forever. It doesn't mean you're weak or messed up if you experience that. If you're someone prone to those kinds of swings, it can be important to know certain types of mysticism can trigger them or exacerbate them. You might have to be more careful or mindful with pursuits that are more expressly on the mystical union or enlightenment side of things. You may need to recognize when to take a break, settle yourself, and find ways to find joy in grounded pursuits for a while so it's not all heaven versus earth. 

There are lots of doors we can open by talking about mental health experiences and how they can relate to esoteric, magical, mystical, occult and spiritual elements of our lives. So for any of those reasons, hopefully it was worth sharing this story. 

More importantly than any of them, talking about stuff like this is important because it reminds people it's OK to be open. It's OK to have vulnerabilities and struggles. It's OK to be honest and open and frank with people about them. A lot of these struggles do their awful work by making us feel like we have to be separated and like we're alone. Remembering that other people, sometimes people who may have done things you think are cool, might also struggle with these things, can be comforting. That comfort only exists if we are open and share who we are. Stigmatization only goes away when we're open and share who we are. I don't talk about these elements of myself often, but I've come to realize that it can be good to open up sometimes, when it seems like a good moment. It struck me this morning as I was failing to sleep that maybe this was a good moment. 

At the very least, it is an opportunity for me to recommend that you Choose Life. There is a whole living and magical world out there. Hopefully, it has reasons for feeling wonder, rejecting shame, and finding hope. They might just not be immediately visible, but, the hidden arts help us find those not so immediate things. 

Initation Pt. 2 - Esoteric Initiation: Roses, Crosses, Golden Generative Organs, and Great White Brotherhoods

 

In our previous post in this series, we talked about the moment in which we encounter a question. That question has a series of iterations and may be encountered in many ways. Exploring it can happen in structured ceremonies, or in your own personal initiatic journey. That isn’t the only structure for, or part of initiation. 

 

Formal systems of initiation, often structured as lodges or orders today, previously structured as mystery schools or mystery traditions, frequently move through a series of stages. The questions we discussed might be scattered through those stages, but there is often a greater structure the initiate moves through in this process. These stages are what we will refer to as esoteric initiation. In most cases they involve esoteric teachings, changes in perspective, and adjustments in how we understand ourselves and the world, but they are not typically about fundamental changes in who we are, what we are, our capabilities, or spiritual connections. These latter sort of changes will fall into what we have called magical initiations, and sometimes are part of religious initiations. 

 

A single ceremony might have both esoteric and magical elements. We are not discussing specific ceremonies, and are instead talking about structures and concepts. Some structures might straddle the line between the two. 

 

This installment will focus on esoteric initiation. We will consider three ways of structuring such initiations. The life cycle, the elemental rotation, and the stages of mastery. 

 

The life cycle can be addressed with different demarcations of its stages and occurs in various social systems of initiation, as well as religious and cultural initiation structures. Generally, it will be focused on three moments, but those moments might be expanded to four or five in more esoteric contexts. Birth, Adolescence, and Marriage are a basic breakdown. Many religious systems have moments which acknowledge these phases. A similar structure in some cultures is Youth, Adult, Elder. A popular modern iteration of this is the Maiden Mother Crone concept. While this iteration does not have a particular basis in mythology as a theological structure for goddesses, this sort of life cycle approach to ritual observance is widespread and has a long history. 

 

Cultures which mark these moments as part of participation within the community, or as part of one’s status in the religious community have ceremonies which acknowledge these naturally existing moments. The ceremonies occur at the appropriate moments in the life cycle and are made special through these acknowledgements. Guidance might be provided. Tools, or promises of aid to move through these periods of life might be gifted. Celebrations might occur which make these moments, which could be otherwise difficult or awkward to navigate alone, into something happy and normative. The rituals are not necessarily viewed as creating the experience of this phase of life, rather they mark it, they might ease the transition, and they might provide blessings and assistance. A great deal has been said by many people about the detriment cultures experience when they lose these modes of structuring life’s key moments. 

 

In more esoteric contexts the experience is different. These moments often become symbolic and adult initiates experience initiations based upon these moments, rather than ceremonies which inform a naturally existing moment. The ceremony may be viewed as having the esoteric power to immerse the individual in the creative powers and universal forces associated with that phase of life, or the phase of life might simply be a symbolic allegory that contextualizes the lessons of the initiation. The movement through an esoteric life cycle also highlights the idea that the initiate experiences a second secret life in which they more deeply explore and master the elements of experience of the world and the secret components hidden therein. 

 

This esoteric life cycle may have different phases than the three more standard phases. Conception, Birth, Youth, Life, Adulthood, Elderhood, Death, and Afterlife might all be phases that could be explored as part of the esoteric lifecycle. 

 

These phases of the esoteric life cycle each teach a different series of lessons, and they are often two-fold. One portion teaches us the esoteric understanding of that phase of life. The other portion teaches us the responsibilities and mental or emotional skills, or the social virtues which the system believes allow us to navigate problems from the perspective of that phase of life. 

 

An initiation of Conception might teach us about exploring new opportunities, entering into new situations, or undertaking new possibilities. We might learn that the navigation of such situations involves coming to know the customs and routines of the situation and connection with the community of people who know about and who have also engaged in that endeavor. Death might teach us about release from burdens, understanding continuity and cycles, and the balance between resolve and prudence when facing things others are not as prepared for. It might show us that through change, the exploration of the unknown, and situations of apparent chaos, that our own constancy, strength, and possession of the core of who we are, can carry us through to the solution. 

 

Each phase can teach us different lessons. Different organizations and structures will value different virtues and teach different lessons within those same constructs. There may be a relationship between the core elements of those lessons even if specific focuses and interpretations vary, because they’re still all dealing with core elements of human experience. 

 

These elements of human experience are lessons that belong to everyone. Everyone has a right to explore the meaning of birth, or life. We all experience those things, and we can learn from reflecting upon our own experiences. The esoteric meanings of such things may be germane to us all. 

 

The difficulty in exploring these things on our own is that we don’t know what the lessons will teach us until we have explored them. Creating a structure for exploring the esoteric meanings and the tools that are taken from reifying the phases of life into expansive moments of interwoven inspirations designed to coalesce into realization, isn’t really possible unless we know what those realizations are. This process is definitely one that is easier to undergo within a group. 

 

The sad part of that is, even in a group, you need to be able to find the answers the experience offers. Not everyone is insightful. Not everyone embodies the lessons of the experience. Everyone who does it, and everyone who steps up to lead and coordinate, wants to think they have really grasped what’s there. Sometimes, we’re lucky, and we have teachers and leaders who really did get it. Sometimes we’re not lucky and their own baggage or inability gets in the way. Or, they aren’t really looking for true initiation, so initiation doesn’t click for them, but they still want to be a leader. Maybe they just didn’t do the work needed for the spark to unfold into an actual guiding light. When we have people like that around us, they’ll convince themselves they get it, make up neat little explanations that feel like cool occult intellectual knick knacks, and they’ll think it’s the wisdom they’re supposed to teach. They’re probably even being earnest in teaching it. It just might not be too meaningful. 

 

If you find these groups, and take these initiations, do the work. Dive deep into reflection. Look at the lessons in your own life. Read supporting materials and philosophy. Read material beyond what they recommend to you. Pay attention and try to find people who do seem to really get it, and who reflect something beyond just organizational standing…people who seem to be implementing something with meaning. See if those people are willing to give some guidance, but still, be critical and apply your own reason and discernment. 

 

A good way to understand phase of life initiations is as a house. A house has rooms. At different points, depending on what you’re doing, different rooms will be more useful than others. You can move around in a house and go to the room that is most appropriate, and you aren’t stuck in one room forever. Sometimes, you don’t have access to all the rooms, but as you get older, you probably get more access. 

 

These initiations work the same way. Taking one doesn’t mean you lose the last one. It does mean you have new tools and perspectives. Some situations in life will be best handled using your new tools and perspectives. Some will be better handled using one of your previous tool kits. Just like a house, you can move from dealing with things as a Master of Death, to an Apprentice of Birth as the tools fit the situation. Each initiation unlocks a new room and you can freely move between the rooms as needed because you retain access to each. 

 

That metaphor is not my own, it comes from the late Bill Heidrick, but it’s a very good one and one I’ve enjoyed the last 22 years or so. 

 

Our next structure is the elemental rotation. The rotation of the elements is an alchemical process in which a material is moved through states of earth, air, water, and fire, or by which it is impacted by the power of each of those elements. This can also be understood as one element acting on another element to produce a transition to a third element. 

 

In the context of initiation, the material is the initiate, and the stages of initiation are elemental in nature. Often, people think of these as invoking the particular force of the element to act in the initiate’s life. There can be a component of these initiations that acts that way. More importantly, the work of the initiate immerses the initiate within the perspectives, nature, and modes of thinking and operating related to that element. Rather than grasping this as molding the initiate by means or elemental force, or the initiate acquiring elemental power, the initiate moves through the phases of creation as understood through the elemental worlds or the elemental natures. 

 

When exploring earth the initiate understands the world through material senses and experiences. Manifest forms express the world for the initiate. Stability, fecundity, firmness, resolution, the ability to grab, grasp, mold and build are the conceptual elements which guide the initiate. The initiate seeks to comprehend the world as fully and completely from these perspectives as possible. Interaction is understood as the collision of materials and the sense impressions that brings. The world is a tactile, sensible, physical series of experiences and interactions. 

 

The initiate of the world of air deals with definition and form. The world is crisp. There are clear dividing lines. Words, sentences, glyphs, icons, these all have meaning and those meanings cut like a knife. As if a sculptor, the initiate can chisel away at the material of the world and uncover the individual meaning of each idea and identity present before him. Instead of being singular boxes, words are strokes of the chisel, each word and label applied to an identity cuts away at all the things it isn’t and reveals some piece of what it is. The various words, ideas, and meanings, which give form to a thing come together to elucidate each definitive line that makes it what it is specifically and sets it apart from everything else. By setting each thing apart as its own identifiable reality, we see how it cuts against the space around it, we see how like a puzzle piece it fits back to the rest of the pieces in its environment. The cutting away of that which isn’t provides form, the the specifics of the form allow us to see how that which has been individuated fits in with everything else around it.  

 

The initiate of the world of water deals with concepts, feelings, emotions, and associations. Sounds, smells, shapes, colors, each of these can call to mind feelings and memories. These feelings and memories join together with the myriad of other experiences we ourselves have had, and those we’ve read in stories, seen in movies, and heard about from those around us. All that which is alike about a thing tells us more deeply about it by reminding us of what else it is like, and how it connects and interconnects with other pieces of the world, other concepts, other experiences. We see the currents of things. We see how love, and joy, and anger, and hatred can all be modes of seeing red and we understand how there are threads of experience shared between each of those states. We begin to see how those shared threads can cause one to lead to the other, or pull someone from one more safely back to another. We begin to understand how various pieces can gel together to create something greater than each individual piece, and how the characteristics that congeal together shape the concepts which occur within our lives. 

 

The initiate of the world of fire experiences impulse, action, movement, energy, and the explosive nature of beginnings. Before motion has characteristic, definition, or material, it is the spark towards something. Each spark may have its own particular movement, but it shares fire with each spark that moves from the same initial source. Directionless stirring, impulse, desire, growth, these all precede anything we feel, think, or make. There is a “doing” on some level, an action or a movement, even if it is just within the spirit, or the flash of a thought, that precedes shape, form, and birth of any thing or action that comes into the world. In the fires of inspiration we can see potentials, and understand that the whirling form of coming into being often has myriad directions into which potentials can go. We begin to understand the interconnectivity of motion that underlies those things which often seem so specific and divided, and how the powerful commitment to trajectory allows the creation of a current within the concourse of unified motion that allows fruition or non-fruition to occur, and brings that spark of existence into gestation through the formative elemental natures into something knowable and experiential. 

 

The process of moving through these phases of work involves moving through these modes of seeing, understanding, thinking and experiencing. As we move through one it becomes everything. The entirety of our sight is opened up to a new world; we are immersed in this mode of comprehension. We unbalance ourselves and we risk our ability to stand amid the forces and experiences of the world and safely walk through them without snapping or breaking due to the fact that we have leaned so far into one experience at the expense of all others. Once we have fully immersed ourselves in that perspective, the imbalance is corrected as we are pulled towards the next perspective that we will acquire within our journey. 

 

While Bill compared the life phases to rooms which we continue to possess and move through, he felt that these elemental initiations were ones in which our status changes and so we don’t move back through them. My magister felt that once you completed one series of initiations through this process, it was often useful for the adept to refine themselves by moving through new forms of engaging this process. These two perspectives aren’t fully at odds, but they differ in whether or not you can return to a place where you were. Bill says you can’t, OVI says you can, but by re-engaging the process, and that each time you do it, it will become more natural and less extreme. 

 

My view is that if you successfully undergo these processes, you don’t return to them in the same way. You can re-experience them. But, as an adept you inherit and balance them. The understanding you had isn’t lost. It just isn’t percolating to the point that it’s all you can see. Over time it settles into the core of who you are and how you think and see. The lessons of it become part of you and they now work together as one to more fully and deeply experience the world. The imbalance and the potential madness and obsession of it no longer remains. That is the nature of having triumphed within that path and successfully birthing the rose from the walled garden. 

 

I’ve explained these pieces in fair detail here. I guess that means you can reflect on this and that works, you don’t need to go initiate through these processes? Obviously, the answer to that question is no. You can read about them and determine if they’re something for you or not. You can decide if they are part of the process that calls to you, or if that seems like a road to insanity, or a stroll through nonsense. Maybe it seems fully reasonable to you but doesn’t call to you. Maybe it calls to you strongly. 

 

Reading about it can only help you determine those things. It can let you know what the steps might look like and what completion is. Until you do it, it’s meaningless though. You can know what sex is, but you haven’t felt it until you’ve done it, and even then, you still might not quite have really had what the experience has to offer you. The same thing here. 

 

Like the path of life, the elemental road appears in many different variants in many different groups. Meaningful initiation through them doesn’t occur for everyone who does them, and not every initiator is equipped to actually guide you. They can give you tools, but you have to do the work. They might have a sense that it’s about checking specific boxes, doing certain practices, or passing some written tests. Ask yourself, does obtaining the powers of the sphinx sound like memorizing Crowley poetry, or passing a quiz on which astrological symbols can be tied to which Hebrew letters, or does it sound like what I’ve described above? If you join a group for this work, do the work of that group. Do it with an eye to creating the immersion you need for real initiation. Add work, study, reflection, and experiences which help with that immersion if you need to. 

 

This kind of initiation you can do on your own. 

 

It might be hard to create a curriculum for it wholestock of your own imagination and ingenuity. There are plenty of books which provide structures for this kind of elemental work. The A.’.A.’. System is publicly available for anyone who wants to look at it. Crowley described it in various different ways and didn’t strictly follow any of them consistently. There is some room for interpreting but the resources are there. Regardie provided access to the materials and curriculum of the Golden Dawn. Other writers have since extrapolated on that system. Other systems, both from before and after the Golden Dawn, have had their initiations, and sometimes their teachings, published. The magical writers who informed those systems wrote books which are available, as did the people who created those systems. There are structures you can work with on your own to build an approach. You can tweak it as you go. You know what kind of experience you’re looking for; you’ll know if you’re having it. 

 

A good teacher won’t protect you from the pitfalls entirely. They won’t stop you from adding elements which you find useful. They might enforce elements that they know are useful, but which might seem less obvious to you. They might help reign you in if you start to go crazy, or fall off the path more than is safe. A good organization might be able to do the same things. The drawback is many organizations will have politics or agendas. They might also have fixations on elements which simply aren’t useful, but which define their particular organization or lineage. 

 

It’s up to you to use discernment and weigh what any group or person has to offer. Look at whether or not they come with baggage that is counter productive. Recognize that everyone will probably come with things you don’t want or need, so not everything is a deal breaker. If all you can find are folks who come with deal breakers, you can still do this on your own.

 

The final structure we’ll talk about are the stages of mastery. Sometimes, these are also thought of as Birth, Life, and Death (or Marriage.) This is a three phase structure. This could be viewed as the underlying structure on which the other two structures we discussed might play out. The elemental rotation, and the phases of life are both means by which the individual can explore…particularly when taken with the questions in part one…and move from the first stage to the second stage of this structure. These stages are sometimes described as degrees, and sometimes as symbolic orders which provide the meta-structure for initiatic bodies. The way they are laid out, in terms of whether they are treated as three discreet degrees alone, or three phases with grades or degrees making up each phase, can vary dramatically. There are many legitimate ways to approach this. 

 

Part of why there are many legitimate ways to approach this is because this process is always individual.

 

You might find it useful to explore modes of moving through the first phase in multiple systems. You might enter the second phase and revisit modes of the first phase in new systems. A key thought in this cross system approach is to do work in a given phase in one system at a time, or if working two systems at once, use two that have different structures. 

 

While some systems will have initiations tied to each of these phases, the experience and perspective for each phase is very personal. This structure typically overlaps with magical initiation. Because of that, you will likely need to go through real and personal changes, and acquire real and meaningful connections to fully move through these phases. Some systems will lay their degrees out using this three phase structure. Taking those degrees will likely help you, but don’t accept that as settled attainment of these phases. Use them to guide yourself to a real and deep intrinsic attainment. The process described here is a major one involving significant developmental changes. 

 

The three phases are basically a Novice or Seeker, An Experienced Skilled Individual, and a Master. Different systems call these different things. 

 

The novice might be called: Novice, Mason, Initiate, Magician, Witch, Man of Earth, Aspirant. In the A.’.A.’. Structure and the Golden Dawn this is the GD. 

 

The experienced skilled individual might be called: Adept, Companion, Knight, Priest/ess, Lover. In the A.’.A.’. Structure and the Golden Dawn this is the RC or RR et AC. 

 

The Masters is…well, a Master. They might be called, Master, Magister, Magus, Hermit, High Priest/ess. In the A.’.A.’. Structure and the Golden Dawn this is the SS. 

 

The first phase involves entering into the journey, recognizing that there is a light to be sought after and pursuing it. That pursuit involves understanding the world through which that light moves, and understanding yourself in juxtaposition to that world. This will often involve obtaining a series of skills and perspectives, it might involve community and learning the ways and processes of a community. 

 

The second phase comprehends that there is a relationship between you and the light you are seeking. To some degree, this may involve seeing the light as part of yourself, or the light as a particular guide for yourself, but neither with full identification therewith. This phase may involve deepening understandings of oneself and the skills one has acquired, learning new skills, navigating more esoteric and spiritual elements of reality, and gaining knowledge and experience beyond those afforded by mundane means by the utilization of the tools and skills your previous phase provided or prepared you to acquire. There is often a deepening of that “secret life” of the initiate both in terms of deeper exploration and in terms of elements and processes that may connect your more fully with the initiatic currents you are exploring. The connection with a personal guide or expression of the light is often key to this phase, and that is where this phase touches the space of magical initiation. While the last phase may have involved community, this phase is frequently more about individuation, although context within community may still be relevant in some systems and approaches. 

 

The third phase is in a way the abrogation of the previous phases. This phase involves the elevation of everything that came before to its fullest, and then releasing it. This release occurs because this phase is a phase of union. The threads which unite all the pieces of what you have previously experienced and obtained are understood. Seeing and understanding the threads which connect all you have done allows you to see the unity of all the pieces. Once you comprehend that unity, you are able to give it over to the infinite, in doing so, the alleviation of those specific elements of individuation allow you to also experience unity. The question of focus on the self versus the community is transcended because the two aims become one. The acquisition of a guide becomes the comprehension of continuity between the self, the guiding light, and the source. Rather than a priest or priestess communicating the influence of that guiding light, you are an expression of it, and that act of expression feeds the community and in doing so conducts the particular work through which you are also the One. This phase also has elements which involve magical initiation to truly attain it. This phase is transient; its component parts are a concurrent unity, but it is also not fully apprehendable as a consistent state and so the Master will at times move closer to their state before obtaining mastery. 

 

Some elements of each of these phases could be obtained without necessarily entering into any system which offers processes or direction to obtain these developmental experiences. Some systems recognize that either the second or the third phase can be obtained individually, sometimes spontaneously. The first phase heavily implies participation in some curriculum. Even having undertaken a curriculum for the first phase, the second and third phases are often understood to be based primarily in the guidance and direction of the forces and powers that the first phase directs you towards. Some systems will still provide structures for initiation, teachings, or work to help develop through these last two phases and they might support the personal work and exploration you are doing. 

 

Generally, this will be a lifelong process. It might involve long periods of work and long periods of rest and exploration of multiple systems and approaches. For most people, the first phase is the primary occupation and a reasonable occupation. For most people, the second phase is a reasonable and admirable goal, and is much more attainable than many people realize. 

 

In these cases “most people” means most people who would set out on these paths of esoteric initiation. For the vast majority of people none of this will be a calling at all, even though some of these paths would be useful on a more broad and accessible basis - particularly the path of life phases. For some called to magic, these paths will be unattractive, but there may be many attractive elements of magical initiation. As we said, magical initiation overlaps with some of these experiences and might also be done in tandem with some of these experiences. Particular sorts of magical initiation will be the subject of our next installment. 

 

 

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